Martha Rosenberg: Is Nation's Love Affair with Starbucks Over?

A BUZZFLASH GUEST CONTRIBUTION
by Martha Rosenberg

The 90s had Cheers style bars where everyone knew your name; the 00s had Starbucks where everyone knew your Venti No Foam No Whip Double Mocha Skim Frappuccino.

How Bucks convinced millions of Americans they had a Macchiato deficiency that required $5 and 500 calories a day to treat is pure marketing genius.

Car designers molded "Grande grottos" into dashboards, "meals; other" became budget busters and caffeine residues in the waterways from coffee vendors -- and even coffee drinkers an hour after they drank -- made headlines in Portland.

Now as Starbucks closes 600 locations and the national Javathon peaks, what about these Starbucks' traditions?

Power Apron Jobs
In the 90s, "power apron" jobs such as Starbucks and Kinko's were hot because they offered health coverage and tuition reimbursement and, unlike bar jobs, you didn't have to sweep up cigarette butts. But six months after a Bucks tour, most baristas say espresso drunks are worse than their tavern counterparts because they don't tip, get mellow, leave change on the counter, or know any Irishman jokes.

Size Lies
Just like Vegas casinos are clock free zones, Starbucks are weights-and-measures free zones. No one feels deprived with a small; it's a "tall." No one has to order a pint -- as in brandy, IV, or motor oil -- it's a "grande." Who would have thought in the days of Mr. Coffee and Dunkin Donuts, people would drink a thermos worth of coffee at one sitting? Asking for "room" in the cup but not in their stomach?

Driving While Cranked
Is it a coincidence that road rage debuted in the 90s just as 300 mg caffeine drinks from Starbucks did? Maybe instead of Hang Up and Drive, bumper stickers should say Detox and Drive. And how about the traffic jams caused by Cherokees, Navigators, and Pathfinders circulating for the one spot in front of a Bucks? And creating toxic plumes at the idle zones known as drive-through Starbucks?

No Kids; No Gray Hair
Often accused of gentrifying, Starbucks have few young or old patrons either. Kids are absent because they don't drink coffee and if they broke the $229 ceramic coffee bean grinder, their parents would be in deep doo-doo. But seniors? They're absent because they lack the high powered jobs in which to channel their caffeine high -- "after a one time performance and management fee" -- and balk at paying gallon-of-gas prices for a beverage. Of course there are some gray heads on the other side of the counter. (see: second careers; lower expectations)

Loitering With No Intent To Buy
Which came first, the "officeless" or Starbucks? Cyber squatters -- texting their BFFs, perusing YouTube, editing their top friends list -- created critical mass when Bucks first opened. Management even pitied the laptoppers who'd never had their own cube, received a memo from a group VP or told a receptionist, "I'm at lunch." But the officeless suck more laptop juice than they spend on the occasional Ethiopian blend. Worse, they schedule job interviews in their Starbucks' "office," in which they declare that they want to "utilize" their communication skills while other patrons try not to laugh.

The Pause that Fattens
Because of the caffeine, sugar, and mocha jolt, many think of Starbucks as a fitness aid and have one before, during, or after their workout. But at 200 to 600 calories -- before the scone -- the energy a Bucks' beverage imparts doesn't work off its own calories, even after a hour on the treadmill. You end up addicted to the gym -- and Starbucks.

A BUZZFLASH GUEST CONTRIBUTION

Martha Rosenberg is a Staff Cartoonist for the Evanston Roundtable.

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