Early Morning Jokes for March 12 -- Tony Peyser
Submitted by BuzzFlash on Wed, 03/12/2008 - 12:13pm.
Tony Peyser
From 1994-1997, I drew daily cartoons for Laugh Lines, the L.A. Times' humor page. I also wrote topical jokes every day. Even though the WGA strike has been settled, the strike was the inspiration for Early Morning Jokes, like the Iran hostage crisis was for "Nightline" but with better hair. Yes, even though the late-night writers are back, there's plenty of room to stake out a different time of day to call my own.
Dick Cheney strongly spoke out for missile defense -- not to protect America but to keep him safe from pissed off Americans after he leaves office.
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was forced to resign because of a prostitution scandal. One can only hope that the outraged GOP lawmakers demanding his ouster included hooker habitué David Vitter and bathroom stall stalwart Larry Craig.
New York's Lt. Governor David Paterson has become New York's first black governor and the United States' first legally blind governor. Expect sour senior citizen Geraldine Ferraro to whine that if Patterson could see and were white, he wouldn't be where he is today.
Ferraro's latest defense for the Obama slur was defiant: "They're attacking me because I'm white." Actually, Geraldine, it's because you're a tax cheat, your husband's a crook and your son did time for drug dealing. Apart from that, you're Mother Teresa.
A firefighter successfully performed mouth-to-snout resuscitation and revived a tiny terrier he found lifeless in a burning mobile home. The pooch was so small that while CPR was performed, firefighter Stephen "Odie" Odom had to use the lower case version of those three letters.
A Tacoma, Washington Starbucks barista gave a kidney to a customer. Curiously, Sandie Andersen said she will keep refusing to give Annamarie Ausnes the coffeehouse bathroom key.
And finally: Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees. In a rare and refreshing moment of candor, Crystal admitted this wasn't being done to benefit a worthy charity. "I'm just doing this because I'm a shallow, bitter, puffy, aging entertainer trying to boost my fragile ego as I turn 60 and dread spending the rest of my life telling old jokes about my prostate to geezers at the Friars Club who smell like Ben Gay."
Technorati Tags: Tony Peyser workers rights 2008 race Barack Obama Hillary Clinton Dick Cheney Dawn Wells Gilligan pot bust
Welcome to ...
Early Morning Jokes
by Tony Peyser
Dick Cheney strongly spoke out for missile defense -- not to protect America but to keep him safe from pissed off Americans after he leaves office.
New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer was forced to resign because of a prostitution scandal. One can only hope that the outraged GOP lawmakers demanding his ouster included hooker habitué David Vitter and bathroom stall stalwart Larry Craig.
New York's Lt. Governor David Paterson has become New York's first black governor and the United States' first legally blind governor. Expect sour senior citizen Geraldine Ferraro to whine that if Patterson could see and were white, he wouldn't be where he is today.
Ferraro's latest defense for the Obama slur was defiant: "They're attacking me because I'm white." Actually, Geraldine, it's because you're a tax cheat, your husband's a crook and your son did time for drug dealing. Apart from that, you're Mother Teresa.
A firefighter successfully performed mouth-to-snout resuscitation and revived a tiny terrier he found lifeless in a burning mobile home. The pooch was so small that while CPR was performed, firefighter Stephen "Odie" Odom had to use the lower case version of those three letters.
A Tacoma, Washington Starbucks barista gave a kidney to a customer. Curiously, Sandie Andersen said she will keep refusing to give Annamarie Ausnes the coffeehouse bathroom key.
And finally: Billy Crystal signed a one-day contract with the New York Yankees. In a rare and refreshing moment of candor, Crystal admitted this wasn't being done to benefit a worthy charity. "I'm just doing this because I'm a shallow, bitter, puffy, aging entertainer trying to boost my fragile ego as I turn 60 and dread spending the rest of my life telling old jokes about my prostate to geezers at the Friars Club who smell like Ben Gay."
Tony Peyser provides daily poems and weekly cartoons for BuzzFlash and also wrote the BuzzFlash column, "Blue State Jukebox." He was a daily cartoonist for the L.A. Times from 1994 to 1997. You can e-mail Tony at tonypeyser@yahoo.com.
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