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Tuesday, 24 October 2006 04:18

Jimmy Lohman: Republican I.Q. Test

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by Jimmy Lohman

To test your Republican IQ, answer the following questions:

1. The "father" of the modern Republican Party was (a) Abraham Lincoln (b) Barry Goldwater.

2. The purpose of the war in Iraq is (a) to spread democracy to the Mideast (b) to spread oil to the Midwest.

3. Stem cell research and development is ultimately (a) pro-life (b) killing.

4. Since WWII, the United States has been in three major wars. All in all, (a) we have kicked butt (b) we've gotten our butt kicked.

5. Donald Rumsfeld (a) means well (b) is a genocidal freak.

6. "Global warming" is most likely caused by (a) humans (b) God.

7. As a result of the U.S. occupation of Iraq, I am (a) more safe (b) less safe.

8. Torture is (a) never acceptable (b) o.k. if done by Americans or under American supervision.

9. Which U.S. President made a greater contribution to the nation and world? (a) Franklin D. Roosevelt (b) Ronald Reagan.

10. The theory of "divine creation" (a) should be a required part of public education as an alternative to evolution (b) should not be taught in public schools because it is a religious belief.

11. I would rather be in a hot tub with (a) Al Gore (b) Rudy Giuliani.

12. Pat Robertson is (a) a good Christian (b) a fascist.

13. The values that make America great are undermined more by (a) Bill O'Reilly (b) Barbara Streisand.

14. Our American democracy would be stronger and healthier if (a) fewer people voted (b) more people voted.

15. Limits on political campaign spending and the regulation of deceptive campaign advertising(a) would make elections more fair (b) would violate free speech rights.

16. Labor unions (a) do more harm than good (b) are indeed the folks who brought you the Weekend."

17. It is more likely that Dick Cheney (a) believes what he says (b) is a war criminal.

18. I am (a) better off now than I was six years ago (b) a nervous

19. You can't trust (a) government (b) big business.

20. I am more likely to allow my teenager to (a) hitch-hike through Turkey (b) be a congressional page.

SCORING to determine your REPUBLICAN IQ: compare your answers to the following results and give yourself 10 points for each answer of yours that matches these:

1 (b) 2 (a) 3 (b) 4 (a) 5 (a) 6 (b) 7 (a) 8 (b)

9 (b) 10 (a) 11 (b) 12 (a) 13 (b) 14 (a)

15 (b) 16 (a) 17 (a) 18 (a) 19 (a) 20 (b)


Total points IQ Category Examples

170-200 Republican Super Genius (Hitler, Attila, Cheney, Scalia)

150-170 Republican Genius (Goebles, Limbaugh, Rove, Coulter)

120-140 Pretty darned smart (Orrin Hatch, David Brooks, William Kristol)

100-120 Average lemming (Colin Powell, John McCain, Nancy Grace)

80-100 Cheap Republican imitation (The Clintons, Lieberman, Obama)

60-80 Lily-livered liberal (Kennedy, Phil Donahue, Al Franken)

30-60 Severely retarded (Jesse Jackson, Joan Baez, George Clooney)

0-30 Doomed to Pinko hell (Ramsey Clark, Harry Belafonte, Cindy Sheehan)


Jimmy Lohman is a human rights lawyer and musician in Austin, and a semi-regular contributor to Buzzflash.com.