October 17th 2019

By Abby Zimet

Common Dreams

Mazel Tov! We made it to Trump’s 1,000th year day! What he did: Told Turkey and Syria to go fight over sand. Boasted the friendship between Italy and America goes back thousands of years (probably back to when Frederick Douglass attacked us in the Bowling Green Massacre) and he has "too many Italian friends to count." Said the 2016 election - spoiler alert: he "won" - was "totally corrupted by things happening in government," mostly at the behest of that uppity Obama. Called the situation in Syria "a semi-complicated problem (that) we have very nicely under control," thanks to his "brilliant" strategy there. Insisted "Columbus Day" is still "Columbus Day." Called Nancy Pelosi "a third-grade politician" who just finished having an "unhinged meltdown" and no of course he was not projecting because obviously, just like his Press Secretary said, he was "measured, factual and decisive" and nobody should believe his former ISIS adviser and veteran national-security official who said “Trump has no idea what’s happening.”

Said his plan to contain ISIS is "to keep the American people safe" and even if he's facilitated the escape of a few thousand "it's very easy to recapture those people." Insisted he didn't want to risk the lives of "tens of thousands of American soldiers" right before claiming he'd just removed "28 troops. 28. They say it was 28. We thought it was 50, but it was about 28 - 26 to 28 troops. All accounted for. Nobody injured. Nobody missing. It’s really nice...That’s because I’m President." Charged four times that the Kurds, who we've given "massive fortunes," are "no angels... If you look at the Kurds - and again, I say this with great respect...They're no angels." Boasted about "a very powerful letter" he wrote to Erdogan - the one that threatens to put The Onion out of business, sounds like it was written by a fourth-grader - no offense, fourth-graders - promises he'll "call you later," and swiftly inspired horror, memes and dramatic readings with cranky resident cats. Proclaimed, finally, "And we’re the boss. Just remember that." Holy mother of God, as if we could forget it.

"One of the problems I have, and one of - for instance, with the witch hunt, you have people that want me to stay; they want me to fight forever. They do very well fighting. That's what they want to do: fight. A lot of companies want to fight because they make their weapons based on fighting, not based on peace. And they take care of a lot of people. I want to bring our soldiers back home. We're not a police force. We're a fighting force. We're the greatest fighting force ever. We were the ones that contact - we were the ones that got ISIS. We're the ones that took care of it - specifically me, because I'm the one that gave the order. Because when I came in, under President Obama, ISIS was a disaster all over that area. I was the one that got them. We were the ones that captured them." - a small slice of the woeful daily babbling of the person pretending to be the President of the United States 

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